22 February 2015
Thinking Style: DBC Struggles
My DBC experience to this point has been a lot of things. It's been refreshing (to feel like I'm learning again and to meet so many wonderful people). It's been challenging (balancing a full-time job with what feels like a full-time course load). And it's been uncomfortable (having my weaknesses highlighted and being forced to address them directly).
Now three weeks into Phase 0 (the prep phase), I feel really proud of what I've already accomplished. Despite coming in with no previous web development experience, I now have HTML and CSS skills that I can build on and develop more in the future. I've built a personal website, despite not having a clue how to even get started with an endeavor like that just a few weeks ago. And I'm now beginning to tap into all that the programming language Ruby has to offer. Looking back at the person I was three weeks ago, I can honestly say I'm better. I'm more knowledgeable. I've acquired a whole new set of skills. I've been challenged. And I've persevered in the face of adversity.
All that said; this week has been really difficult. Week 3 began with us delving into Ruby, the language that will be the main focus of the program and a language that is essential to building web applications. It's a very logic-based language and requires abstract thinking. It's something that feels completely new to me, which has been really tough to cope with. Doing the required readings, I feel comfortable with the general concepts being discussed but when it comes to applying those general concepts to real-life challenges and exercises; I am struggling. Majorly. As is the case with mastering any language, practice is key. You're never going to wake up fluent in a language without spending weeks, months, and frankly years honing your skills. And I know that. But at the same time, the pace of DBC is such that I feel like I need to be way ahead of where I am. I can't be struggling with the basics when the next week is already breathing down my neck. There's no room to fall behind. And right now I feel very behind.
Being behind is not something I'm used to. It's a feeling that's completely foreign and it scares me. I hear how others in my program are cruising through the work and it makes me feel inferior and leaves me with a sense of panic. Everything seems to be coming so easy for everyone else and that's just not what this past week has been for me. It's been extremely difficult and has left me questioning if this program is even the right thing for me. It's a silly fear. I know this program is right for me. But every time I struggle, or stumble, or just need to ask for help, I feel so stupid. I feel inadequate and like I'm really not cut out for this. But that's not the case. The truth is I'm just learning. I've never learned any of these things before so of course I'm going to struggle. It's to be expected. More than that; it's a guarantee.
Entering DBC, I identified myself as being firmly fixed mindset, and these first three weeks have certainly confirmed that diagnosis. People with fixed mindsets typically have records of being high performers, but they're also people who will rarely challenge themselves or put themselves outside of situations where they know they can succeed. They believe their skills and talents have been inherited and there's no way to improve on their natural weaknesses. They avoid failure and need constant validation that they're the best. Needless to say, I feel very fixed mindset these days.
So how do I break free from that? I'm really not sure. One idea is to stop focusing so much on what everyone else is doing and just focus on my own self and the way I'm learning. I know I can succeed here. The material being taught isn't impossible. Hundreds of thousands of people use Ruby every day. I can do this. But I can't compare myself to anyone else. Everyday I'm learning and just like with HTML and CSS, I know more about Ruby today than I did the day before. So I just need to keep focused on taking small steps in the right direction each and every day.
The second thing I can do is continue to improve on my three-week track record. I may not have endured very many struggles in my past, but I'm certainly struggling now. But even though I've been struggling these past three weeks, I've somehow managed to get through it. And with each week I remain in the program that track record will only grow. I've proven I can do this. So I need to stop doubting myself.
Lastly, I need to stop being so proud. Asking for help is not a weakness. Nor does it make me inferior. In fact, being unable to ask for help should invoke greater feelings of inferiority than anything else. There are office hours offered as part of DBC. So I need to utilize those. I have an abundance of peers who are willing to help me, so I need to be able to ask them for help. And I have a wonderful family who is behind me completely and wants me to be happy, so I need to be able to talk to them when I feel overwhelmed. I'm not in this alone. And I need to remind myself of that every single day.
These next few months will be no easy undertaking, but I will get through it; and in the end, I will be better for it.
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